When I was a 13 years old, I woke up one morning. I walked into the living room to see my family who all look devastated and sad. I remember thinking “My dog Oreo must have died. It’s so sweet that they came”; but instead I found out my dad was murdered the night before. My whole soul cracked. There would be no more memories made- no more kickball in the yard, no more eating peanuts watching Goof Troop, no more watching The Lion King, no more hearing his voice, no more hearing his dorky laugh. I lost a parent and my faith in life all at once. I spiraled emotionally in anger telling God “Show yourself! You were supposed to love me!” I wanted answers. Then I ran doing whatever I could to cover that absence of love I felt yet searching for proof of some kind. I ran with anger (not love) and sought validation and always tried to “seem normal” because if I had to hear from some one else “sorry for your loss” which equated to “sorry God doesn’t love you enough” in my confused heart, I was going to lose it. Later in life, I thought I had ran into love; I followed everything I believed was the universe telling me- “I’m going to show you love” I did everything right. I followed my heart, my soul, what I believed was the right path. Then I jumped off the cliff having faith that I would fly because that’s what you are taught- faith- God will be there. But I fell… I fell and my already cracked soul shattered open in the lifeless abyss. The absence of light and love- I felt nothing. No connection to anything, no passion, no life, no emotions sad nor happy- Everything I knew died. I wondered around in the abyss for weeks processing there was no such thing as a God. Minutes and minutes, hours and hours, days and days… I sat in my room emotionless realizing there was no God- what is the purpose if we are just here? We just accept bad things happen? No one cares about us here on earth? I accepted the truth- there’s no God. After feeling the lowest of low of the human soul- the betrayal of God and everything you are taught about God, I remember taking a deep breath in and deciding who I was going to be in the absence of Divinity. I told myself, “Since there is no God I wasn’t going to be nothing and lifeless like the abyss I was in, I was going to be love because the world needed it” I truly felt for us all and never wanted a single person to feel like I did. In the exact moment that I accepted I was going to be love, my whole soul shook as I heard a booming internal voice like I had heard many times faintly before, “That is who I am. I am continuous love despite receiving back.” That was the moment. The moment I woke up- my soul woke up. My life flashed in rewind. I have been loved my whole existence. I saw love everyday in a smile, a nice gesture, in an embrace, I saw it in humanity as a whole. I recognized it in devastation and loss as it opened people’s hearts to something greater. The stars in the sky, the sunsets, the birds… everything was made for me out of love. I am love, I came from love, I inherited love, and I will return to love. Some of my mentors have told me that what I experienced was a “dark night of the soul” and it’s one of the biggest blessings a person can have. I don’t run or hide from anything now… I welcome it never fearing the abyss again because I know my way out- real love isn’t temporary. Everyone’s journey is different and I can’t carry other’s shadows for them (Just like they can’t carry mine). I protect this light from the thoughts and words of others, I surround myself with like minded people that help lift up others, and I spend time realigning to what I know. We are all humans that are learning and growing in love. When people have negative feelings toward my openness, I have to remember they haven’t experienced or seen what I have. I have to be empathetic to their personal path. My experience is my blessing. I look through the eyes Love gave me and see clearly where God is. Focus on the love. Yes, it’s difficult at times because Love is too good to be true…too simple, so many will project out their shadows (which is the opposite of unconditional love). But, knowing what I know about the shining light of truth. Love is the only thing that scares Mankind because when you stand in that light it forces you to see your shadow for what it is, however big or small. It forces you to see your arrogance, it forces you to be self accountable, it forces you to see your actions and heart, it forces you to see things you didn’t even know about yourself, it forces you to look at your own small brief negative thoughts that keep you from entering into a state of faith, love, and continuity. It’s painful because your shadow validates your existence. But, the shadow isn’t you. You are the image of love that has no shadow. Love your shadow moments for showing your weaknesses within your light, but don’t live in it. Uplift others, in whatever way you are designed to do because this world needs it.
“God is love” (1 John 4:8)
marie1111life 