It was November…
I didn’t want to make another mistake
So I prayed for HIS guidance
I prayed that I would meet the best fit for my heart
I would know he was sent by God and my father
I was faithful with my prayers while meeting great people
But none of them spoke to my soul
Then our paths crossed and I felt a whisper “It’s him.”
I pushed the thought down deep and covered it with my past
I watched for weeks this man play hot and cold.
Soon I grew tired and doubted his purpose
I tried to exit this game that I chose not to play
Then God spoke to me and showed me a promise
I saw a promise through signs that had been sacred—
Twenty years–it was hidden deep in my heart–no one knew
I saw a promise through red-tip roses I placed in the casket
Of a heavenly unconditional love once mine
I shivered as February 2nd became mile markers for both of our lives.
I cried as I asked God for the right path and then suddenly
Hearing the church bells from afar just as I received his coincidental call.
Scared of the calling, I prayed for protection from the darkness as I gave in
And my soul answered…
I saw a promise with all certainty
Like Noah, who was told to prepare for the flood
So did I
I began to build space in my heart
For him
I worked diligently to be patient and to control
My deepest longing that not even I understood.
God reassured, through illogical coincidences, that he was my companion
as doubt creeped into my mind
Even when I was scared and tried to walk away
HE pointed toward this mate with diligence
So I built space in my heart, like the ark, and waited
For the rainbow of promise
Promise of new beginnings and worth
And of the chosen
So came the storms and I held on like Job
Through tears and hurt my soul screamed in pain
I recited over and over, “I will come forth as gold,”
It echoed in the space
My soul stretched from test of patience and trust
That I did not possess anymore due to my past
My heart bruised from hits of distance, miscommunication, broken words,
And canceled plans
My ego torn from him not wanting to know me or treating me
With an act of traditional love
Then there was a break in the storm
I saw the most beautiful soul ever
I fell into something more complex than love—
hurt but joy, pain but excitement, sadness but comfort, familiar but distant
Then the moment of truth began to shake my foundation
I loved him too much
The space I was told to build was of no use to him
He didn’t need it; he didn’t need me.
There was no fulfillment of promise after the storm–He had made his own raft
Through storms of his own that I did not see
He had no intention of letting me on his raft
He rejected my space with logic “I have my own.”
My life went silent—the deepest silence that I have ever felt.
The separation of the soul-a deafening motion that makes the world obsolete
The pain of God’s betrayal, the lowest point of the soul
Confused, questioning my value, “Am I a failure?”
Then I hear for the first time my voice at the cross,
“Why God, Why God, Why have you forsaken me?”
Now, I wait, with a mustard seed of faith
Going through the motions as if I have life
I continue to pray while surrounded by mocks of darkness
“You thought you were special and HE loved you enough to grant you a promise.”
“You are a sinner,” feeling crazy and embarrassed of my emotions and love
I told myself to hang on, “God’s timing is perfect.”
I wait…I wait for the resurrection-for all the pain and hurt to stop—
For purpose, maybe, not promise?
I wait for God’s timely purpose while my soul dies slowly—
For fulfillment to keep me alive
I wait for that third day for my trinity—
For meaning in this
It is a horrible world where God’s promises are not fulfilled—
The climatical high of the greatest tragedy
Once out of here, I hope I never return.
I wait….there are hours and hours, minutes and minutes, and seconds and seconds,
Of pure heavy emptiness
I don’t hear or feel God’s love and tomb is sealed
The forsaken is buried, maybe now is the end of the pain and suffering
I wait covering the hurt with the perfect façade of smiles
And togetherness with friends and family
Suddenly, the tomb is opened and a part of the story is revealed
Is this the fulfillment? No, just a motion of mockery
The tomb is empty physically, but filled spirituality with a promise
Hope flutters in my soul…then exhaust itself quickly
I wait…for proof, like Doubting Thomas, because my soul
Has been strung along and is beaten
I don’t trust myself and I want to walk away—
But how do you walk away from God’s gift?
To Mother Mary I look for guidance
Did she doubt God’s promise?
Was there a moment of anger that she felt her pain and loss
were in vain?
I wait…an open heart and beaten soul, hoping
I’m not jilted
Then Mary Magdalen comes to me
With the truth of the deepest love and devotion to grace the heart
She tells me of her love of Jesus, and shows me how she followed
How she could not bear HIS cross for HIM
But she followed with patience and loyalty
Because she, “the sinner,” was loved by HIM
She told me of how HE loved her and how while HE was gone
She wept with all her soul and waited…
She told me of how she waited by the tomb because HE chose her,
And how HE loved her and forgave her of her past
She told me of how she was frightened when in the tomb,
HIS body was not there
But then she told me how HE came to her first in the end
Because of her devotion and their complex love
In all the places HE could have chosen to appear, HE chose to speak to her
First
And she knew it was HIM.
The promise was fulfilled by the way HE spoke her name.
Now, I wait for my promised love
I wait for him to find me and speak my name…
*Originally written by me in October of 2015