Where are you?

When I was a 13 years old, I woke up one morning. I walked into the living room to see my family who all look devastated and sad. I remember thinking “My dog Oreo must have died. It’s so sweet that they came”; but instead I found out my dad was murdered the night before. My whole soul cracked. There would be no more memories made- no more kickball in the yard, no more eating peanuts watching Goof Troop, no more watching The Lion King, no more hearing his voice, no more hearing his dorky laugh. I lost a parent and my faith in life all at once. I spiraled emotionally in anger telling God “Show yourself! You were supposed to love me!” I wanted answers. Then I ran doing whatever I could to cover that absence of love I felt yet searching for proof of some kind. I ran with anger (not love) and sought validation and always tried to “seem normal” because if I had to hear from some one else “sorry for your loss” which equated to “sorry God doesn’t love you enough” in my confused heart, I was going to lose it. Later in life, I thought I had ran into love; I followed everything I believed was the universe telling me- “I’m going to show you love” I did everything right. I followed my heart, my soul, what I believed was the right path. Then I jumped off the cliff having faith that I would fly because that’s what you are taught- faith- God will be there. But I fell… I fell and my already cracked soul shattered open in the lifeless abyss. The absence of light and love- I felt nothing. No connection to anything, no passion, no life, no emotions sad nor happy- Everything I knew died. I wondered around in the abyss for weeks processing there was no such thing as a God. Minutes and minutes, hours and hours, days and days… I sat in my room emotionless realizing there was no God- what is the purpose if we are just here? We just accept bad things happen? No one cares about us here on earth? I accepted the truth- there’s no God. After feeling the lowest of low of the human soul- the betrayal of God and everything you are taught about God, I remember taking a deep breath in and deciding who I was going to be in the absence of Divinity. I told myself, “Since there is no God I wasn’t going to be nothing and lifeless like the abyss I was in, I was going to be love because the world needed it” I truly felt for us all and never wanted a single person to feel like I did. In the exact moment that I accepted I was going to be love, my whole soul shook as I heard a booming internal voice like I had heard many times faintly before, “That is who I am. I am continuous love despite receiving back.” That was the moment. The moment I woke up- my soul woke up. My life flashed in rewind. I have been loved my whole existence. I saw love everyday in a smile, a nice gesture, in an embrace, I saw it in humanity as a whole. I recognized it in devastation and loss as it opened people’s hearts to something greater. The stars in the sky, the sunsets, the birds… everything was made for me out of love. I am love, I came from love, I inherited love, and I will return to love. Some of my mentors have told me that what I experienced was a “dark night of the soul” and it’s one of the biggest blessings a person can have. I don’t run or hide from anything now… I welcome it never fearing the abyss again because I know my way out- real love isn’t temporary. Everyone’s journey is different and I can’t carry other’s shadows for them (Just like they can’t carry mine). I protect this light from the thoughts and words of others, I surround myself with like minded people that help lift up others, and I spend time realigning to what I know. We are all humans that are learning and growing in love. When people have negative feelings toward my openness, I have to remember they haven’t experienced or seen what I have. I have to be empathetic to their personal path. My experience is my blessing. I look through the eyes Love gave me and see clearly where God is. Focus on the love. Yes, it’s difficult at times because Love is too good to be true…too simple, so many will project out their shadows (which is the opposite of unconditional love). But, knowing what I know about the shining light of truth. Love is the only thing that scares Mankind because when you stand in that light it forces you to see your shadow for what it is, however big or small. It forces you to see your arrogance, it forces you to be self accountable, it forces you to see your actions and heart, it forces you to see things you didn’t even know about yourself, it forces you to look at your own small brief negative thoughts that keep you from entering into a state of faith, love, and continuity. It’s painful because your shadow validates your existence. But, the shadow isn’t you. You are the image of love that has no shadow. Love your shadow moments for showing your weaknesses within your light, but don’t live in it. Uplift others, in whatever way you are designed to do because this world needs it.

“God is love” (1 John 4:8)

Beautiful Complex Lie

The devil is a woman child

A woman that lies to the world

A woman that hasn’t fully embraced her reality

She lies through smiles as she gathers her followers

She lies as she plays victim to cover her once cheating heart that threw Love aside

She lies as she makes room for those that build her army of hurt

She lies while in the darkness she accuses a young boy of something hideous

She lies as she presents a false love but really it’s to mock the righteous love

She lies like whore engulfed in attention

She lies using an innocent girl as shield

She lies as she flaunts her followers to sabotage and hurt others

She lies like Romans taking money from the Judases that trade love for silver

She lies.

What they don’t see is the future.

And when it happens…truth shall break open

The internal war will take place

Their silence in the matter speaks worldly of their hearts intentions

So run, run to her…

The faster you run to her, the faster you reach truth

You are follower of monster

A devil that tries rips apart her own child’s love

A devil that destroys innocences

A devil that uses love as a resource to hurt

The sad part is that she knows this

And every time she sees a reflection of herself,

she cringes

despite what others shower her with,

she knows what she is

She has to pretend to be a person of light

But in secret she tries to tear apart the love in a home

I know who you are and I see who you are

Once an angel but fell from grace

You are the devil that tries to eliminate a holy marriage between Man and light

You are the devil that hates free love, so you corrupt and hurt

It’s sad to watch as all those innocent souls learn the truth.

But faith and this feeling have never led me astray.

I am truth and will never live a lie or be silenced into a lie.

Save Them All

I prayed for him when I saw his eyes.

The soul whispered “go to him”

Save him.

So I did.

 

I hid with him behind his own walls.

The soul whispered “defend him”

Beside him.

So I stood.

 

Caged in his love for his daughter

The enemy ran her fingers across the bars

Hissed at his every move right or left

Loudly, the lies and questions echoed in people’s hearts.

 

I cradled him when those that he loved deeply turned.

The soul whispered “Use your sword and take him to safety”

Scared and hesitant, I swung.

So I sheltered him from the debris

 

I loved him as he cried feeling betrayed.

The soul whispered “It’s time to fight”

In front of him.

I prepared to fight.

 

Burned sword in hand from the Michelangelo’s fire,

I deterred blow after blow as the enemy tried to hurt all of my family.

Streams of sapphire blue frightened the enemy.

Beautifully, my love placed the crown on my head.

 

I blessed the enemy and her followers before I began.

The soul whispered, “open their hearts”

In Love.

So, I served.

 

I shielded him as their hate spread to others..

The soul whispered, “Forgive them for they do not know”

In front of them.

I forgave.

 

Freed from Karma and Called by Love,

I saw they had never known an ego-less fight.

Loved, I watched them scurry for conditions to blame,

As I placed the ancient rites on their confused darkened souls.

 

I saved him from the noose that quieten his voice.

I stood and turned his cage into a palace.

I sheltered him from the reign of jealously.

I fought with a pure heart of peaceful intent.

I served something greater than others accept.

I forgave as their hearts healed from change and acceptance.

 

The song of who I am has begun to show in their hatred between their words.

Their eyes became covered in blindness,

Their hair fell out with every ego filled movement which kept them crying at night

Their legs swollen in their inability to stand

They lost the same acceptance they denied– a part of themselves.

My heart felt for them all, but I can’t interfere with expanding soul.

 

I sit with my ancient song playing over and over as they watch who I am:

“Praise be to Love my rock,

who trains my hands for war,

my fingers for battle.

It is my Love and my fortress,

my stronghold and my deliverer,

my shield, in whom I take refuge…

They are like a breath;

their days are like a fleeting shadow.

Part your heaven, Love, and come down;

touch the mountains, so that they smoke.

Send forth lightning and scatter the enemy’

shoot your arrows and rout them.

Reach down your hand from on high;

deliver me and rescue me

from the mighty waters,

from the hands of foreigners

whose mouths are full of lies…

to the One who gives victory to kings,

who delivers his servant David.

From the deadly sword…

rescue me from the hands of foreigners

whose mouths are full of lies,

whose right hands are deceitful….

There will be no breaching of walls,

no going into captivity,

no cry of distress in our streets.

Blessed are the people of whom this is true;

blessed are the people whose God is Love”

 

 

 

 

 

She knows…

The flashes spark in my minds eye
I hear her laughter

I see she’s happy with our goodbye

At least it looks that way
However I feel her tears

When no ones watching her

It’s a glimpse of the present so shear

Illusive as if she knows I’m here
Can she do the same as me?

Does she have the same flashes?

The same connection to see

Through my shell and directly at my soul
Is it the nightmare that she went through

Holding in all her knowledge

In fear that insanity would be her que

I would mock her with my silent lies
Does she feel the fire of anger

When I see her in his bed

Their tight embrace is our danger

I lose my ability to breathe
Does she hear me when I say her name?

Did she see me with the others?

Did she hear my thoughts in my brain

Was this her curse when we were together
How could she not tell me?

She heard my thoughts

She felt my emotions

She was truly my other half.
I let her go

I let her walk away

She found another to heal her out of the low

Why did I do this?
Am I a ghost always following her in moments

The way she is in mine

I have to make it make sense

My soul screams her name
My life breathes only her existence

My heart swells outward to reach her

I can’t fight this presence

It’s stripping my world apart
If she can hear me

If she can feel me

How can she be so happy?

So content with her soul purpose diminishing
How can she sleep with the nightmares

The anger rising and the hurt

Suffocating my life with a wound so bare

You can smell in each breathe
Does she feel me shake with fear?

Sweat from the mirror she reflects back

I see what darkness I hid so near

Did she see that? What did I do to her?
She was suffering this massively

But never spoke of it

Only in her eyes so drastically

I thought it was desperation or despair
It was because she knew

She knew I was with others

She knew I lied and covered what was true

I loved her and running I realize now
She always knew and allowed me to go

Serving her purpose until

I completely left her alone with my no

I destroyed her faith in loving me
I want her back to sit and talk

I want that moment when she saw me

She ran across the room and jumped

Into my arms with such intensity
I want the funny messages and her smile

I want those moments of adventure

When her face was outlined by the clouds

I scream, “I love you” from miles away
Did she hear it? Or am I just imaging?

Maybe she will hear it…

Maybe she will leave a sign of her feelings…

In a poem so I will know…

Things I hope I taught my kids…

I sit here feeling gratitude for everything despite the upsets that have found it’s way through the cracks today. However big the obstacle, I have learned to question “Will this matter in a hundred years?” And it puts things into perspective of what really matters in life. I hope that I have taught my kids well in order to make this world better. Encouraged by my boyfriend, I decided to share what I feel helps to easy the struggles in life. So here they are:

Things I hope I’ve taught my kids:

1. Our job as people is to serve and grow toward unconditional love. But sometimes we do have to “show our teeth” when something is against love. 

2. Never lose yourself in the titles that people try place on you: mom, teacher, girlfriend… titles are just a general idea of people and not the depth You are as a person

3. Try not to judge or cause harm because the same judgement or harm You place on others will find its way back to you in life in some way: yourself, your kids, your family, or friends.

4. If You sit in the middle and make no decision (right or wrong) you never move and life will force you to decide because we all are always progressing. So even a reasonable bad decision is movement toward a lesson learned.

5. If some one doesn’t like you or accept you because of something they may lose (another friendship, status), walk away because life has a way of not allowing more suffering than what is needed for you to learn. Don’t fight upstream. 

6. Don’t be afraid to say no if something doesn’t feel right, and don’t be afraid to say yes if something excites you.

7. Boredom breeds creativity and intuition. Learn to be able to sit alone and learn who you are so that if you saw yourself in another body, you would know that was you. 

8. Always take time during the day for heartfelt prayer, meditation, or soulful growth. I promise it’s worth it. 

9. If you make a mistake and a person uses that mistake to justify not liking you anymore, they subconsciously didn’t like you anyway. Mistakes are sometimes life’s way of removing that which does not serve you.

10. Love is not measurable nor is it a thing. It is a state of being. Be love and show love. You can love many and it doesn’t disappear just because a person loves another nor does it disappear with distance.

11. Success is always in the definition YOU make it into. Follow your calling which is connected to your heart. You’re the only one that can hear it.

12. The only promise in life is unconditional love, so trust that everything in life is set up for you to learn unconditional love even in the darkness. Allow yourself time to heal and find your light. 

13. Remember you are always loved by those you see and those that you do not. Even your enemy will be used to teach love in some way. Trust without even a small doubt and be confident yet humble in yourself. Love yourself.

14. Always be grateful for everything. Say thank you to others and the creator. Be grateful of your struggles to learn and be grateful for your blessings. Never take for granted a moment, a person, job, or situation. It is all working for you because of the image your created in. 

15. Everyone is a guru in some way. Sometimes a stranger, a friend, a song may speak a random sentence that hits your soul even if the person is the complete opposite of you in every way. The universe uses all people and situations to speak to you and will never give up, but you have to listen. 

If I were to write

If I were to write to him,

Would he be able to feel it?

Not to use his mind,

But read it with his heart?

I tremble but I don’t know why.

Is it because he came to me in the right moment

When I look at him, I am reminded of how much I am loved by the creator

Would he know I felt his shift toward my direction before I knew him

Would he know that he’s a healer or would he brush it off because of logic

I wonder if he knows my soul needed him because I was beaten and broken

Would he know I was drowning and couldn’t breath

That life left me gasping for breath as it sucked it completely out of my lungs

That when I heard his name and turned around

That’s what I would be doing for the rest of my life

I would be healing from the hurts and the pains of growing

He built me a place so that I could come back to life

He breathed in a newness with grace and easy

Over and over with time in each of my needs

I have become an addict to the nuturing force that he brings

I can’t be away to long before I feel the pull from heart

As I no longer fight but go willingly to his side

The Storm of Conciousness

I caused it

The storm of my words

I felt it

My shift into the darkness

My fear melted

And I dove,

Straight into the Pit of Anger

I owned the storm

Dretching my core

I baptized it

The aspect I feared

That which separated our hearts

I bathed in accusations

“You Lied to Me”

“You made a joke

of the most sacred of all ties”

Cowering, the air split to lightening

As I reminded you

Of your vanity

In the name of Divine Love

Thunder upheaveled your ground

As a keeper of the Grail,

I tore apart your laugh

And I reminded you of the Purpose

I called upon the storm for revenge

“I am worthy

I come in service of the Cross

In service of serenity”

I snatched a past memory

And knotted it around your neck

“You sold my love for the illusion;

For 30 pieces of Silver”

The Holy Fire reflected in my eyes

As I burnt you to suffocation

*****

Hearing a Holy voice, I saw you rise
Out of ashes with mercy and grace

From sirens, sickness, and wreckage

In the midst of my strongest storm

The most beautiful soul was in your eyes

It Whispered, “But do you still love me?”

The anger fell as did the storm

In humility I dropped

On my knees, the light grew

It conquered darkness

My Soul Chose You…

The Universe asked me if I could take some one with me

Who would that be?

My Soul Chose You…

But on this journey, you take only the parts of love

Because where we are going,

People only dream of.

*

You’ll need your adventurous spirit

to take on the world.

You’ll need your smile and your eyes

to communicate with humanity’s core.

You’ll need your love of animals

to strengthen compassion in others.

You’ll need to know and love yourself

to understand your sisters and brothers.

*

Pack only your blind faith and your presence

as a universal child.

Pack only emotions of confidence

to sooth ego’s aggressive style.

Pack your social ability to lead and direct

to serve.

Pack your wisdom and experiences

you’ll need them at every turn.

*

Hold tight to your heart

because it echoes your soul.

Throw away greed, lust, and your control.

Detach from other’s

comfort and expectations.

We no longer need those

of corruption and limitations.

*

For where we are going,

only the greatest Knew.

Sure, you miss the old, but remember

you are now true.

For where we are going is a Revelation

of twenty-two.

There’s a beautiful sense of worth and this earth

and within you.

*

Understand, I have grown

as much as I can

But you hold my perseverance

in your hand.

My weaknesses are your strengths,

and yours with mine.

You heard the call of unconditional love,

now is the time.

*

Now is the decision by Holy Grail’s design,

I found my expansion in your existence,

so did you find yours in mine?

Written by me 7/13/2016

We’ve Met…When We Were Children

I think we met as children once,

A long time ago

Before we turned away.

Because in your eyes I see You,

Me, and the Universe–the three.

~

We used to share with each other the fruit that we ate.

We used to laugh at each other and the sounds that we made.

I think, we did meet as children a long long time ago.

~

As children, I remember, we played in the sun

And slept under the moon.

We voiced our dreams and imagined

Being able to fly, swoop and soar.

I know we met as children

And clung to each other tightly.

~

You remember, the world slithered toward us

Holding nothing but a mirror.

The Silver shine placed something in us as we saw our reflection

For the first time.

We noticed we were different.

~

As children, we looked in the mirror at ourselves,

And then began to explore.

That’s it, you explored the left side and I explored the right,

Never taking our eyes off the mirror.

~

As explorers, we touched the mirror and realized,

We could touch the sky.

In the mirror, we could touch the mountains and the rivers

Together.

~

We saw we could cover one another

As we took turns standing in front of the mirror.

Then, fear overcame us as we disappeared

When the other had their turn.

~

The grass and sky began to fade in the distance,

When we held the mirror closer.

We began to place blame as we waited

For our turn.

~

Not wanting to disappear, we shouted at each other’s differences,

As way to guilt.

To gain, we began to trade our fruits

For time.

We became exhausted in keeping up with our time in the mirror.

Over and over again.

Mine then Yours, then Yours then mine.

~

But we never let go of the mirror, and I know,

I glimpsed at a memory somewhere in your eyes.

 

 

 

Written 7/11/2016 by me.

My Darkest Hour…

 

It was November…

I didn’t want to make another mistake

So I prayed for HIS guidance

I prayed that I would meet the best fit for my heart

I would know he was sent by God and my father

I was faithful with my prayers while meeting great people

But none of them spoke to my soul

Then our paths crossed and I felt a whisper “It’s him.”

 

I pushed the thought down deep and covered it with my past

I watched for weeks this man play hot and cold.

Soon I grew tired and doubted his purpose

I tried to exit this game that I chose not to play

 

Then God spoke to me and showed me a promise

 

I saw a promise through signs that had been sacred—

Twenty years–it was hidden deep in my heart–no one knew

I saw a promise through red-tip roses I placed in the casket

Of a heavenly unconditional love once mine

I shivered as February 2^nd became mile markers for both of our lives.

I cried as I asked God for the right path and then suddenly

Hearing the church bells from afar just as I received his coincidental call.

Scared of the calling, I prayed for protection from the darkness as I gave in

And my soul answered…

 

I saw a promise with all certainty

 

Like Noah, who was told to prepare for the flood

So did I

I began to build space in my heart

For him

I worked diligently to be patient and to control

My deepest longing that not even I understood.

God reassured, through illogical coincidences, that he was my companion

as doubt creeped into my mind

Even when I was scared and tried to walk away

HE pointed toward this mate with diligence

So I built space in my heart, like the ark, and waited

For the rainbow of promise

Promise of new beginnings and worth

And of the chosen

 

So came the storms and I held on like Job

Through tears and hurt my soul screamed in pain

I recited over and over, “I will come forth as gold,”

It echoed in the space

My soul stretched from test of patience and trust

That I did not possess anymore due to my past

My heart bruised from hits of distance, miscommunication, broken words,

And canceled plans

My ego torn from him not wanting to know me or treating me

With an act of traditional love

Then there was a break in the storm

I saw the most beautiful soul ever

 

I fell into something more complex than love—

hurt but joy, pain but excitement, sadness but comfort, familiar but distant

 

Then the moment of truth began to shake my foundation

I loved him too much

The space I was told to build was of no use to him

He didn’t need it; he didn’t need me.

There was no fulfillment of promise after the storm–He had made his own raft

Through storms of his own that I did not see

He had no intention of letting me on his raft

He rejected my space with logic “I have my own.”

 

My life went silent—the deepest silence that I have ever felt.

The separation of the soul-a deafening motion that makes the world obsolete

The pain of God’s betrayal, the lowest point of the soul

Confused, questioning my value, “Am I a failure?”

Then I hear for the first time my voice at the cross,

“Why God, Why God, Why have you forsaken me?”

 

Now, I wait, with a mustard seed of faith

Going through the motions as if I have life

I continue to pray while surrounded by mocks of darkness

“You thought you were special and HE loved you enough to grant you a promise.”

“You are a sinner,” feeling crazy and embarrassed of my emotions and love

I told myself to hang on, “God’s timing is perfect.”

 

I wait…I wait for the resurrection-for all the pain and hurt to stop—

For purpose, maybe, not promise?

I wait for God’s timely purpose while my soul dies slowly—

For fulfillment to keep me alive

I wait for that third day for my trinity—

For meaning in this

 

It is a horrible world where God’s promises are not fulfilled—

The climatical high of the greatest tragedy

 

Once out of here, I hope I never return.

 

I wait….there are hours and hours, minutes and minutes, and seconds and seconds,

Of pure heavy emptiness

I don’t hear or feel God’s love and tomb is sealed

The forsaken is buried, maybe now is the end of the pain and suffering

I wait covering the hurt with the perfect façade of smiles

And togetherness with friends and family

 

Suddenly, the tomb is opened and a part of the story is revealed

Is this the fulfillment? No, just a motion of mockery

The tomb is empty physically, but filled spirituality with a promise

Hope flutters in my soul…then exhaust itself quickly

I wait…for proof, like Doubting Thomas, because my soul

Has been strung along and is beaten

I don’t trust myself and I want to walk away—

But how do you walk away from God’s gift?

To Mother Mary I look for guidance

Did she doubt God’s promise?

Was there a moment of anger that she felt her pain and loss

were in vain?

I wait…an open heart and beaten soul, hoping

I’m not jilted

 

Then Mary Magdalen comes to me

With the truth of the deepest love and devotion to grace the heart

She tells me of her love of Jesus, and shows me how she followed

How she could not bear HIS cross for HIM

But she followed with patience and loyalty

Because she, “the sinner,” was loved by HIM

She told me of how HE loved her and how while HE was gone

She wept with all her soul and waited…

She told me of how she waited by the tomb because HE chose her,

And how HE loved her and forgave her of her past

She told me of how she was frightened when in the tomb,

HIS body was not there

But then she told me how HE came to her first in the end

 

Because of her devotion and their complex love

In all the places HE could have chosen to appear, HE chose to speak to her

First

 

And she knew it was HIM.

The promise was fulfilled by the way HE spoke her name.

Now, I wait for my promised love

I wait for him to find me and speak my name…

 

 

*Originally written by me in October of 2015